


There is Such a Thing as Too Much Mistletoe

by DraketheDragon



Series: Servant Shenanigans [8]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Crack, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Happy Holidays peeps, I'm outing myself on some of these ships, Jalter and Jasel should never be allowed near each other with out supervision, Jalter is in denial, Kissing, M/M, Mistletoe, Multi, RIP Chaldea, Salter not so much, Someone should have expected this, and i don't care, finish off these tags with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:27:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28317492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DraketheDragon/pseuds/DraketheDragon
Summary: Jasel turned to Jalter, “Uh, how are we going to spread Christmas spirit?”Jalter bent and poked Jasel’s shoulder, “Well, brat, don’t you have some mistletoe on you? That’s Christmasy enough for you, right?”For a few moments Jasel stared at her, uncomprehending, then her face lit up. “Oh that is such a good idea! We are going to make so many people happy! I’m proud of you, older me! Perhaps there’s some hope for you yet!”Jalter struggled to restrain her smirk. “Yeah, totally.” Ha. Ha. HA HA HA HA HA. All who had wronged her would pay for what they had done! Beginning with that false saint who had the audacity to call her sister!
Relationships: Astolfo | Rider of Black/Jeanne d'Arc | Ruler/Sieg | Caster, Cú Chulainn Alter | Berserker/Heroic Spirit EMIYA Alter | Archer, Ereshkigal | Lancer/Quetzalcoatl | Rider, Jeanne d'Arc Alter | Avenger/Artoria Pendragon Alter | Saber, Medusa | Rider/Parvati | Lancer
Series: Servant Shenanigans [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1854901
Comments: 9
Kudos: 43





	There is Such a Thing as Too Much Mistletoe

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Hope you enjoy! Happy Holidays and have a wonderful day! 
> 
> PS if you don't like a ship, they're in sections, so you can just skip. :)

“No.” Jalter said, because there was no other response she could think of that did not include  _ burning  _ the abomination in front of her to  _ ash _ .

“Jalter,” Jeanne said, in that annoying way she had, the one that made her sound all disappointed as if she wasn’t a conniving, evil demon in saints clothing. “That is no way to treat your younger self.”

“Yeah,” Jeanne D’Arc Alter Santa Lily said, lifting her chin and staring Jalter in the eye, the bells on her headdress ringing with the movement. “There’s no reason to be rude.”

“Like  _ hell  _ there is!” And her control, what little she had, shattered. Her eyebrow twitched, she could feel the yell build before it burst from her throat. “ _ ONE _ , YOUR NAME IS TOO GODDAMN LONG!  _ TWO _ , WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT SANTA GETUP?! YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO BE EXPOSING SO MUCH SKIN!  _ THREE _ , GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I BURN YOU TO ASH!”

Jeanne D’Arc Alter Santa Lily rocked back on her heels. “Why are you being mean? It’s only lo - logi- logistamal that you accept me! I’m you!”

“LIKE  _ HELL  _ YOU ARE!”

“I am too!”

“ARE  _ NOT _ !”

“Are too!”

“ARE  _ NOT _ !”

“Are too!”

“ARE  _ N- _ ”   
“Ahem.” Jeanne cut through their argument. “Like it or not Jalter, she is you, and she is also a full resident of Chaldea starting today. And unlike you, she calls me big sister.” She beamed, and Jalter shrunk back at the brightness, hissing in disapproval. Annoying little  _ brats  _ and terrifying Jeanne, she was going to burn them all to fucking  _ ash _ . “Finally, we’ve taken to calling her Jasel.”

“It’s a fucking acronym.” Jalter growled.   
“I like it.” Jasel shot back, stepping closer to Jeanne’s side and wrapping her arms around her waist. “And I can’t wait to spend Christmas with my big sister!” She beamed up at Jeanne, just as bright and cheerful as the Saint, and this time Jalter growled at the sight.  _ Disgusting _ . Utterly  _ disgusting _ . Christmas was going to be an absolute fucking  _ disaster _ .    
  


Jalter collapsed onto the couch, staring at the  _ abomination  _ in front of her with horror. Somewhere, Jasel had acquired actual clothes, another dress trimmed in faux fur. She’d kept her headdress with it’s bells and ribbons, and Jalter wanted to yank it off and melt it into slag. “What the  _ fuck  _ do you mean?”   
Jasel pouted at her. “Big sis wants us to get along.”

“AND  _ SHE  _ THOUGHT LEAVING  _ ME  _ ALONE FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING DAY WITH  _ YOU  _ WOULD BE A GREAT IDEA?!” She was going to burn Jeanne to ash. It was going to happen, regardless of what Gudako wanted. “I haven’t had enough sleep for this shit.” Thanks to those fuckers who were her neighbors. They would die. They would all die.

“Do you think I’m happy about this?” Jasel yelped, “You’re rude, and annoying, and a potty mouth. I don’t want to be near you.”

“Yeah, well the feeling is mutual!” Jalter rolled on her side and glared at the cushions. She was not going to deal with the  _ brat  _ any longer. Not at all.

“But,” Jasel said, “Big sis said that we have to get along. And because she’s wonderful and graceful and beautiful and perfect,” Jalter snorted harshly, “I am willing to give her this present as a Santa. One day. We work together for one day to spread the Christmas cheer.”

Jalter jerked up and glared at her.  _ “No.” _

Jasel jutted out her chin. “Yes.”

_ “No.” _

“Yes.”

_ “No.” _

“Yes.”

“ _ ARGH! _ I AM  _ NOT  _ SPREADING THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!”

Jasel stomped her foot and pointed at her, “I’m here because you wanted to one up Salter! I’m the proof you wanted to spread the Christmas spirit! Hah! I won this argument. I say we go look for the perfect present for Reindeer!”

Jalter surged to her feet, fingers gripping her sword as it coalesced, feeling the heft of it in her palm. She pointed the blackened iron at her younger self, sneering. “ _ As if _ I’d pick out the perfect fucking present for anyone. Besides, there are other ways to spread Christmas cheer.” 

Jasel frowned. “Like how?”

Jalter grinned, “You’ll see.”

Jasel’s eyes widened. “You’ll help me spread the Christmas spirit?”

“Only because if I  _ don’t _ , Jeanne will get back at me in some terrifying,  _ horrible  _ way.” She struggled with her anger, forcing it down.  _ Later _ , she would find a use for it later. She rested the tip of her blade against the ground. “I’m not the Christmas type, so I’ll let you do the spreading. But I pick the method. And I pick the first . . .” victims.

Thankfully, she didn’t have to struggle to think of another word for ‘victim’ that did not reveal her plan. Jasel, the naïve  _ idiot _ , jumped, clapping her hands, eyes gleaming brightly. “Wonderful! Where too?”

“Da Vinci’s workshop.”

“You want a robot.” Da Vinci said, staring at Jalter with tired, red rimmed eyes. Everyone, well most people had them. Romani’s death had hit all of Chaldea, even  _ Jalter  _ to some extent, hard, but it had hit Da Vinci, Gudako, and Mash the hardest. Even now, after the  _ wreck  _ that had been Shinjuku, they were still mourning. Gudako and Mash had had the chance to grieve, to take a breath and remember him, but Da Vinci hadn’t. She’d dived into her duties as Director of Chaldea with a single minded determination that couldn’t have been healthy, Servant or not. Everyone could see it.

But still, her exhausted look was particularly  _ sick  _ when it was the time for good cheer or what-the-fuck-ever. It made Jalter want to wipe that grieving expression off her face. Romani had done  _ good _ , he’d  _ saved  _ the fucking  _ world _ . They should have been celebrating his life instead of mourning his death. Eh, whatever. It was a problem for another day and a more compassionate person. She had her  _ own  _ shit to focus on. “Yeah, a robot. One that we can control, and can move along the ceiling.”

Da Vinci smiled slightly, and Jalter viciously restrained a cry of victory. “Should I be worried?”

Jalter crossed her arms and glared. “Tch, if I wanted to get into fucking trouble, I could do it without one of you gizmos. Now do you have one or  _ not _ ?”

“We’re going to spread the Christmas spirit!” Jasel cried, bouncing on her toes, and Jalter almost threw up at the sight. Jasel’s little bells rang with each bounce, eyes wide and hopeful and eager, a smile plastered on her face.  _ Disgusting _ .

Da Vinci’s smile widened, began to reach her eyes. “I suppose I can’t argue there. Wait here.” She pushed out of her chair, stretched with an audible pop, then walked off.

Jasel turned to Jalter, “Uh, how are we going to spread Christmas spirit?”

Jalter bent and poked Jasel’s shoulder, “Well,  _ brat _ , don’t you have some mistletoe on you? That’s Christmasy enough for you, right?”

For a few moments Jasel stared at her, uncomprehending, then her face lit up. “Oh that is such a good idea! We are going to make so many people happy! I’m proud of you, older me! Perhaps there’s some hope for you yet!”

Jalter struggled to restrain her smirk. “Yeah, totally.” Ha. Ha. HA HA HA HA HA.  _ All  _ who had wronged her would  _ pay  _ for what they had done! Beginning with that  _ false  _ saint who had the  _ audacity  _ to call her  _ sister _ !   
  


Jalter let Jasel have the controls, that way if they got into trouble, she could drop  _ all  _ the blame onto the little Santa. It would be what she  _ deserved _ , anway, dragging Jalter into this. “Do you have someone to target first?” Jasel asked, skipping down the hallway, control held in both hands. Before them, Da Vinci’s robot zoomed across the ceiling, mistletoe hanging from it’s top,  _ doom  _ for any who stood under it. 

Jalter bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. “Yeah, I do.” Jeanne was definitely on the target list. And Moriarty, and that other annoying Archer as well.  _ Most  _ of the fuckers she’d had to deal with in Shinjuku really, including - she stopped, jerking her hand out in front of Jasel. Down the hall was the dumbass Assassin, what was his name, Yan Qing? Eh,  _ what  _ the  _ fuck  _ ever, the  _ point  _ was he was annoying, and one of the people on the list. She pointed. “Him, we’re getting him.”

Jasel frowned, “But he doesn’t seem to be in a good relationship with the person he’s talking to.” Jalter agreed. Yan Qing stood at the entrance of a doorway, gesturing wildly, his brows furrowed. The person he was talking to could just be seen, in a similar state of aggravation. Which was why it was the  _ perfect  _ time to strike with the mistletoe. Jalter opened her mouth to point out this fact, but Jasel was already rushing forwards, glee lighting up her features. “I think we should do them!” She pointed down the hallway, controls held precariously in one hand.

Medusa and Parvati had just left the library, heads close together, talking softly.  _ No _ . No no no no  _ no _ . This  _ wasn’t  _ how this was supposed to go! They  _ weren’t  _ supposed to make people  _ happy _ ! They were supposed to  _ embarrass  _ people and make them  _ pissed  _ off! She lunged forwards, trying to grab Jasel, but the little Santa was already too far, the mistletoe flying down the hallway before jerking to a halt above the two.

Jasel skidded to a halt, “You too,” she proclaimed, jabbing the controller in their direction. “Must now kiss by decree of Santa and Christmas!”

Jalter groaned and facepalmed. Of  _ course.  _ Of  _ course  _ this was how it was going to go.  _ Goddamned  _ fucking  _ Christmas _ . She’d have to find a way to spin her other victims into people Jasel wanted to make kiss. Or  _ something _ . 

Medusa stopped, staring at Jasel for a few moments before looking up. “Oh.” She said, a soft, gentle sound, and Parvati followed her gaze.

The Lancer giggled, then glanced at Medusa. “It is tradition.”   
“I suppose,” Medusa murmured, “but only if you are okay with it.”

Parvati nodded, “I’m okay with it.”

“Oh, that’s good.” For a second the two stared at each other, and Jalter groaned. This was  _ painful _ . She wanted it to be over already. She glanced to where Yan Qing was watching the interaction, then Jasel, then her. His eyes hardened in suspicion, then he pushed his companion into the room and shut the door behind him. Jalter could feel her eye twitching, of  _ course _ . Of  _ fucking  _ course. He would be on guard now, there was no way she was going to get him. _ Damn it _ . She turned back, growling slightly. Medusa and Parvati had finally moved, the Rider bent slightly, Parvati’s head tipped back. Medusa’s hair obscured most of the sight. 

Jalter reached over and grabbed Jasel, dragging the  _ brat  _ by her collar as she stalked down the hallway. “Good job!” Jasel called cheerfully, working the controls and making the mistletoe follow them. “Santa is very proud!”

Ten minutes later, when Jalter was sure that Yan Qing was gone and Medusa and Parvati had also left, she dragged Jasel into the library. The little Santa had stopped protesting, and was instead focused on controlling their little sprig of mistletoe. They’d caught two more people with this device, but Jalter’s sights were set on Jeanne.  _ Was  _ it likely that she and whomever the fuck she was hanging out with was in the library?  _ No _ . But Jalter was not going to miss her on the off chance that she was.

“I think that this is a fantastic idea.” A loud voice, projecting as if the speaker was on a stage. Jalter sneered, stopping behind a bookshelf and letting go of Jasel. Jasel gave her a glare, then began to brush off her dress, a pout decorating her face. “Really, Gudako is inspired to come up with something like this, I must give her more credit!” Shakespeare continued, “It is the perfect solution to your predicament.”

“No it’s not!” That voice, Jalter hadn’t heard it before, but it sounded faintly familiar. “It really isn’t. I don’t see how a play can fix things.”

“I,” that was definitely Quetz speaking, “Think it’s a wonderful idea. Will there be lucha?”

For a second, there was a pause, then Shakespeare said, “I’m certain it can be worked in somehow.”

“¡Maravilloso! I’m in.” Jalter couldn’t see her, but she bet the goddess was grinning widely. “Eresh, I have already told you I hold no grudges. I believe that this is a wonderful opportunity to show Chaldea your good will,  ¿ si?”

“Well I -” More protests, but Jalter had tuned them out.  _ Ereshkigal _ , who had cursed all of Chaldea with some strain of fever in an attempt to wipe them out.  _ Ereshkigal _ , who Gudako had been  _ so  _ happy to summon, who acted all goddessy when she was in fact a goon.  _ Ereshkigal _ , who was right there for the revenge taking. 

Jalter turned to Jasel and grinned.  _ “Ereshkigal,”  _ she said telepathically.  _ “I don’t care if it’s Quetz or Shakespeare, but get her with one of them.” _

Jasel opened her mouth to argue, then closed it, tilting her head, her bells ringing softly. She nodded, her eyes blazing bright, and Jalter wondered for a moment if the little Santa had her own wish for revenge. Jasel was  _ her,  _ after all, it wouldn’t be  _ too  _ surprising.  _ “Got it.”  _ She walked past Jalter, her footsteps silent against the library floor. Behind her, the mistletoe trailed behind her like a loyal dog. Jalter waited a few moments and then followed. 

Jalter and Jasel poked their heads around a bookcase. The three were sitting at one of the library's many tables. Ereshkigal was still protesting, sweat beading her forehead as she waved her arms wildly, each word punctuated by the shake of her head. Quetz watched her, her green eyes glinting with amusement. Shakespeare watched them both, leaning forwards slightly, eyes flicking between the two. Jasel stuck her tongue out as she maneuvered the mistletoe until it hung innocently between Ereshkigal and Quetz.

Jasel jumped out, pointing at Ereshkigal and Quetz, “By the tradition of Christmas and the order of Santa, you two must kiss!”

Ereshkigal’s protests broke off into a screech of surprise. Quetz looked up, her face brightening. “Oh, this is one of your Christmas traditions,  ¿ si? I have been wanting to try this one. ¡Gracias señorita!”

“EH?! Why are you happy about this?” Ereshkigal leaned back in her seat, her whole face flushed red. “You do know what this means, don’t you?”

Quetz looked at her. “Si. People kiss under mistletoe. I don’t understand why you’re upset.”

“Because it’s embarrassing?!”

“But you are a goddess,  ¿ no? I don’t see why it’s embarrassing.”

“I-it just is!” Ereshkigal looked away, face flaming. Quetz watched her for a few moments, then leaned over and pressed a kiss against her cheek. The goddess of death shrieked in surprise, slapping a hand over her cheek and staring at Quetz with wide eyes.

Quetz leaned back and sent a grin at Jasel. It was a very wide grin, with lots of sharp white teeth. “That should suffice,  ¿ no?”

Jasel considered for a moment, then nodded. “Yep.”

Shakespear began to clap, his eyes gleaming brightly. “Wonderful Jasel, absolutely wonderful. I knew this play was missing something, but for the life of I could not figure out what it was. A romance! The goddess of death tasting true love for the first time! One destined to tragedy because it cannot be! The audience will eat it up!”

“WAIT!” Ereshkigal stopped staring at Quetz and lunged upright in her seat. “You can’t - it can’t - it -” She trailed off into a wail and collapsed back into her seat, covering her face with her hands.

Quetz tilted her head. “I do not see the problem.”

Ereshkigal shot back up, “You don’t see the problem?! I can’t just fake a romance when I . . .” she trailed off, glaring at the table.

Jalter snickered silently. The last attempt at revenge might have been a  _ mess _ , but this one had worked out  _ wonderfully _ . She signaled to Jasel, and the little Santa nodded and scampered back over to her. They left the library with one success under their belt. Possibly more, depending one whether or not Shakespeare stayed true to his image.

In the cafeteria, an argument was occurring, although the word argument didn’t really fit. There were no angry voices, no violently waving hands, just clipped tones and raised eyebrows. Sherlock and Moriarty were at it again. 

Jalter grinned. This was  _ perfect _ . Two birds, one mistletoe.

Jalter dragged Jasel to a seat and sat down, her back to the arguing two. Jasel frowned at her. “What are we doing here? Jeanne’s not in here.” She fiddled with the controls, and on the ceiling, the mistletoe jerked back and forth erratically.

Jalter jerked her thumb behind her shoulder. “But  _ they  _ are.”

Jasel leaned to the side, frowning. “They don’t look happy.”

Jalter snorted, “That’s because they  _ aren’t _ . They  _ hate  _ each other. Mortal enemies. But the shady looking dude almost  _ destroyed  _ the fucking  _ world _ .” A bit of an exaggeration but it would work, “And the other guy?  _ Constant  _ trouble for Nightingale. And  _ definitely  _ on the naughty list.” Now to see if the little Santa would take the bait.

Jasel bit her lip, her brows furrowing as she thought. Finally she nodded, her bells ringing with the movement. She began to mess with the controls, and Jalter tipped her head back to watch the mistletoe trundle across the ceiling. Finally, Jasel set down the control and pushed herself up, eyes blazing with determination. She pointed, and Jalter turned. “You two, by the decree of Santa and Christmas tradition, must kiss!”

Sherlock, who was the one speaking at that point, looked up and froze. Moriarty jerked back, eyes wide. “Absolutely not! I refuse to kiss him!”

Sherlock stared at Jalter, raising an eyebrow. “Revenge for Shinjuku?”

Jalter bared her teeth at him. “No. Spreading the Christmas cheer,  _ duh _ .”

“Well I am not cheered.” Moriarty shot back at her, “not cheered at all.”

Jasel stamped her foot, “You two have to comply with Christmas tradition! As Santa, I demand that you do! Otherwise, I’ll beat you up and make you do it!”

Sherlock frowned, “That’s not very Christmassy, is it?”

Jalter laughed, “Do you  _ think  _ it fucking matters? She  _ is  _ me.”

Moriarty frowned. “True. And I know my dear Fran would be angry at me for picking a fight with another Servant.”

Sherlock scowled, “That act again? You can’t really believe anyone buys that you care for her.”

Moriarty drew himself up. “I am a father now, despite what you might think, Sherlock. And if Fran finds out I picked a fight with a child, she would be absolutely pissed. So I won’t. Pucker up, Sherlock.”

Sherlock sighed. “I would say it’s nice that you’re giving me a warning, but it’s a ploy. Drop the smoke bomb, Moriarity.”

Jalter’s grin disappeared. Smoke bomb?

Moriarty smirked. “Glad to.” He dropped something, there was the glint of metal, the plink of something hitting the floor. Something flashed, smoke filled the room, and Jalter covered her eyes, cursing wildly. By the time the smoke cleared, the Archer and the Ruler had disappeared, and Jalter was left  _ furious  _ that  _ another  _ one of her revenge schemes had been  _ foiled _ .

“GOD  _ FUCKING  _ DAMN  _ IT _ !!!”

Sometime later, Jalter peered around the corner, and restrained a curse. No Jeanne here either, where the  _ hell  _ could the saint be? Jasel peaked around the corner as well, “Where is big sis? If we’re going to-” 

Jalter cursed, slapping her hand around Jasel’s mouth and dragging her away from the corner. Voices filled the hallway, both familiar. Carefully, Jalter peaked around the corner again. She grinned, wide and violent. Alter and Edgemiya were walking down the hallway, arguing. Or at least she assumed they were arguing, the lashing of Alter’s tail certainly led to that conclusion.  _ Fine _ , maybe she  _ couldn’t  _ get her revenge on Jeanne just  _ yet _ , but Edgemiya was  _ right there  _ for the revenge taking. She turned to Jasel and spoke telepathically,  _ “Those two.” _

Jasel peered around the corner, then pulled back, frowning.  _ “Those two? But they don’t look like they like each other.” _

Jalter smirked,  _ “They’re alters, being obtuse about their feelings is in their blood. Besides, Alter’s tail is wagging, and he’s practically a dog.” _

Slowly, Jasel nodded.  _ “Okay.”  _ She manipulated the controls, the mistletoe zooming around the corner. Jalter watched it go, watched as Da Vinci’s robot came to an abrupt halt above Alter and Edgemiya’s heads. Jasel leapt around the corner, pointing in their direction. “By the decree of Santa, you two must kiss!”

The argument stuttered to a halt, and Jalter stepped away from the corner to stand behind Jasel. Alter was staring at the little Santa, eyes narrowed faintly. “What.”

Edgemiya, however, looked up. “You’re joking.” He said, his voice utterly flat.

“Nope!” Jasel sang, “It is Christmas time, and you two are under mistletoe. It is logi - logic - logical! Argument won, you have to do it!”

“No.” Edgemiya said, staring down at her.

Jalter crossed her arms and ignored the Archer, staring at Alter instead. For  _ once _ , Jeanne’s prattling came in use. Jeanne was close friends with Marie, who gossiped with CasCu, who had  _ supposedly  _ found out Alter had a soft spot for the child Servants. Jalter had no clue if it was actually  _ true _ , but it was worth a shot. “She’ll cry if you don’t.” She said, and Alter’s eyes snapped to her. She smirked, “She’s already done it once today. Big, fat, crocodile tears.”

Jasel picked up on the ploy immediately. Her lips began to quiver, her eyes began to widen. “It’s Christmas,” it wasn’t quite a wail, but it was close, “and people are supposed to kiss under mistletoe at Christmas. It’ - it’s tradition!”

Alter winced.

Edgemiya raised an eyebrow, unamused. “Really,” he said, his voice cold, “and what will you do if we don’t?”

“Beat you up,” Jasel said immediately, dropping the ploy as if it had never been put into play, “as Santa should.”

“Really.”

Jasel nodded, eyes wide. “And if you do, then you get a present! Hmm. . . . Alter’s already got a fluffy cloak thing, so he can be my Co Santa!”

Jalter  _ choked _ . Alter reeled back, his tail lashing violently. “No.” He growled, baring his sharp teeth in Jasel’s direction. “Absolutely not.” Whelp, there went the soft spot theory. CasCu was  _ so  _ full of  _ bullshit _ . 

“Now wait a minute,” Edgemiya said, and Alter’s head whipped around to stare at him. The Archer had crossed his arms, one finger on his chin as if deep in thought. “Let’s not be hasty. Co Santa, you say?”

Jasel nodded. “Co Santa. I will teach him the rules of gift giving, and he will help me deliver presents. He’s going to get a hat, a Santa hat. And bells. And ribbons. Lots and lots of bells and ribbons.”

Edgemiya’s lips twitched. For anyone else, that little twitch of the lips would have been a facial tick. For him, it was practically a gleeful smile. “Deal.”

_ “WHAT?!” _

Jalter didn’t know who was louder, Alter or herself. She thought, maybe, Alter won out on the surprised category. She  _ knew  _ she won out in the despairing category.  _ This  _ was  _ supposed  _ to be  _ revenge _ !  _ How  _ the  _ fuck  _ was it  _ revenge  _ if Edgemiya  _ agreed  _ to do  _ it _ ?!

“Deal.” Jasel sang, bouncing on her toes, bells ringing with the movement. “On Christmas Eve, I will find Alter, beat him up, stuff him in a Santa suit, and teach him how to be Santa! It’s going to be so much fun!”

“No.” Alter growled, backing up. “No, absolutely not. I’m not being Santa. Not. I will not be Santa.” He glared at Jasel, then at Jalter, then at the mistletoe, hanging innocently from the ceiling. “I’m leaving.” He turned, began to walk off. 

“What,” Edgemiya said, his voice cold even if his lips were twisted the faintest bit up, “Is the great Cu Chulainn scared?” 

Alter froze, then growled, low and long and rumbling. Jalter snorted. At least  _ someone  _ was suffering, even if it wasn’t the intended target. But at this point, she’d take it. Alter spun around, glaring at Edgemiya. “As if I would be scared of you.” His voice practically dripped venom, and Jalter mentally applauded herself. Alter was showing an emotion, yes, it was anger, but it was still an emotion. Normally, only the other Chulainn’s and Gudako could pull emotions out of the Berserker. 

Jasel made minute adjustments to the mistletoe so it was hovering above Alter’s head again. “A deal has been struck!” She giggled, almost maniacally. “In the spirit of Christmas you have to comply, junior Santa!”

Alter sucked in a deep breath, opening his mouth to say something, probably another argument that  _ wouldn’t  _ have mattered because it was three against one. Then Edgemiya struck. He grabbed the Berserker’s chin and tilted his head back, pressing their lips together. Alter froze up, hands on the Archer’s shoulders as if not sure weather to push him away or to pull him closer. 

Jalter looked at Jasel, then back up at a kiss that was rapidly becoming more intense. God  _ fucking  _ damn  _ it _ , another perfectly good revenge scheme  _ wasted _ . She slapped her hand over the little Santa’s eyes. “Come on, we don’t have anytime to waste. Jeanne might have been warned by now.”

Jasel nodded, “You make a good point, older me! Let’s go!”

They left the two alter’s to it, the mistletoe trailing behind them as they marched their way forwards for one last ditch attempt to find their original self.

Finally,  _ FINALLY _ , Jalter and Jasel found Jeanne. The Ruler was walking down the hallway without a care in the world, as if her disappearance hadn’t caused a string of mistletoe related incidents. Beside her walked Sieg, and beside him skipped Astolfo. The three seemed to be in good spirits, smiling at each other and laughing happily. Jeanne had a flush high on her cheeks, and Sieg was smiling his small smile. Astolfo had a wide grin on their face, fingers locked behind them as they skipped. It was a lovely sight, Jalter almost expected the trio to exclude flowers or bubbles like some of the panels in her mangas. 

_ Disgusting _ .

And it was  _ time _ , time for  _ revenge _ , time for Jalter to hear Jeanne admit that she was in love with not one, but two people.  _ How  _ could she play at sainthood when that truth was forced upon her? She  _ couldn’t _ ! Her falseness as a saint would  _ finally  _ be revealed! Jalter bit back a wild laugh, but inside it bubbled up. Ha. Ha HA HA HA HA!

Jasel looked down at her controls,  _ “Are you sure this will make big sis happy?” _

Jalter restrained a groan and looked her younger self in the eye.  _ “Look, brat, Jeanne is dense as fuck when it comes to emotions. Dense isn’t even the right word. Purposefully oblivious. She didn't want to face the music when Sieg was summoned, and she’s been ignoring her feelings towards Astolfo since their summoning. She’s been torturing herself over this. Do you want her to continue torturing herself over this?”  _ Slowly, Jasel shook her head, and Jalter nodded.  _ “That’s what I thought. So get out there and make her happy.” _

Jasel beamed.  _ “Got it older me! You really do care!” _

Jalter bit back the impulse to yell and deny it. It  _ wasn’t  _ true. She  _ didn’t  _ care. It was that Jeanne’s mopey and moony eyed faces where  _ annoying  _ as  _ fuck  _ to see, and if she gushed about her crushes one more time, Jalter would burn her  _ and  _ them to  _ ash _ .

Jasel poked her head out of the doorway and maneuvered the mistletoe until it hung in the middle of the hall. Jalter bunkered down with her back pressed against the wall, peeking out through the doorway. Astolfo reached over and snagged Jeanne’s hand, yanking her sideways. Jeanne yelped as she was pulled against Sieg’s side, and the Caster stumbled, an awkward laugh rising from his lips. 

Jalter waited, then nodded at Jasel. The little Santa leapt out of the room, pointing at the three with the controller. “By the order of Santa and Christmas tradition, you three must now kiss!”

Jeanne squeaked in surprise, jumping away from Sieg and Astolfo, her face flushing red. Sieg looked up and blinked in confusion, but it was Astolfo who squealed excitedly. “Oh my gosh mistletoe???” They reached over, grabbing both Jeanne’s and Sieg’s arms. “We’re under mistletoe!”

Sieg frowned. “Yes, but I don’t understand . . .”

Jeanne blushed harder, “There is a tradition around Christmas, where people who are caught under mistletoe . . . kiss.” She sent a glare towards Jasel, but the little Santa was unrepentant. Jalter smirked. Jasel would learn the terror of Jeanne’s wrath, at least she  _ probably  _ would. It would all depend on how the false saint dealt with being kissed by her two crushes.

“Oh,” Sieg said, tilting his head slightly, a flush crossing his cheeks. “I - I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I want to!” Astolfo sang, and they let go of Jeanne to lunge forwards and press a kiss to the Caster’s lips. Then they let go and spun towards Jeanne, grabbing her shoulders and pressing a kiss against her lips. They bounced back, giggling. “Okay, you too!”

Both Jeanne and Seig had colored even darker, and the false saint’s cheeks were practically glowing now. “I - I mean - I -” She bit her lip and looked away. 

Seig’s face fell a bit. “If you don’t want to, I’m not going to make you. It’s your choice.”

“No I -!” Jeanne bit herself off, looking away for a few moments, before leaning up and pressing a kiss against the corner of Seig’s lips. “It’s okay.”

Jasel clapped cheerfully. “Yay! You did it! Jeanne, Jalter was very worried about you, I’m glad you managed to clear things up! I know she’ll be proud to hear it.”

Jeanne’s eyes narrowed. “Jalter, eh?”

Jalter froze, then shifted to spirit form. Oh  _ fuck _ . Oh  _ shit _ . Oh  _ damn _ . Jeanne knew about her involvement, Jalter was  _ so  _ screwed.

Jalter groaned, dragging herself down the hallway. She was  _ done  _ with today. After managing to escape the false saint, Jasel had gone on a spree of mistletoe related incidents. Funny to watch, but dragging Jasel away from the repercussions had been a  _ pain  _ in the  _ ass _ . She was ready to curl up with a manga and not move until it was time for dinner. 

“Mad dog,” A cold, almost empty voice, and Jalter stiffened, burying her growl.

“Ice bitch queen,” she spat, turning around to glare at Salter. The Saber was in her ridiculous Santa outfit, and the sight made Jalter’s fingers itch to  _ rip  _ it off her and  _ burn  _ it to ash.  _ Honestly _ , a santa dress that was all black, who the  _ hell  _ did she think she was? “What the  _ fuck  _ do you want?”

Salter stared at her with those cold yellow eyes. “I heard that you were helping Jasel spread the Christmas spirit.”

Jalter winced. “I don’t know what the  _ fuck  _ you heard, but it wasn’t  _ my  _ fucking idea. I needed a way to get Jeanne off my back, and that was it.”

Salter raised a skeptical eyebrow, and Jalter could feel her own eye begin to twitch. She was going to wipe those condescending looks off the Saber’s face. She was going to burn her to ash and it was going to be  _ glorious _ . “Of course.” Salter said, and Jalter bristled.   
She stepped closer, jabbing the Saber in the shoulder. “ _ WHAT?! _ You think I would just go around attacking people with mistletoe? Get  _ real _ .”

Salter stepped forwards, erasing the distance between them, and Jalter resisted the urge to step back, glaring into those yellow eyes. “Yan Qing was in the area when Medusa and Parvati were hit. Ereshkigal made everyone in Chaldea, including you, sick and miserable. Moriarty caused all the trouble in Shinjuku. Edgemiya was one of the enemies we faced, one who almost killed you. Jeanne forced you into dealing with Jasel.” She smiled one of her faint, superior smiles, the one that dug into Jalter’s skin and refused to leave. “You were attacking people with mistletoe.”

Jalter growled at her, “What, you injured that I  _ didn’t  _ go after you as well? Guess what, Ice Bitch Queen, I have  _ better  _ things to do then to obsess over  _ you _ !”

“By the decree of Santa and Christmas tradition, you two must now kiss!”

Jalter jerked away from Salter, spinning around to see Jasel standing in the hallway, feet apart, one hand planted firmly on her hip, the controller pointed in their direction. Behind her stood Jeanne with a terrifying smile on her face, and Georgios, a camera in his hands. Jalter spun around again. To their other side, blocking the other end of the hallway, was Amakusa and Martha. With a sinking heart, she looked up, even though she knew what she would see.

Mistletoe, dangling from Da Vinci’s robot, it’s bright green leaves shining in the light, the red berries glistening faintly.

Absolutely fucking not.

“NO  _ FUCKING  _ WAY!!!” She yelled, backpedaling away from Salter.

Jeanne smiled, “Now now Jalter, it is Christmas. And almost everyone you and Jasel caught followed with the demands. You can’t break them.”

“YES I FUCKING CAN!”

Jasel stamped her foot. “NO YOU CAN’T!” She took a deep breath and smoothed down her dress. “You are surrounded, older me. Admit defeat gracefully, and kiss Salter.”

Jalter stumbled back further, her back hitting the wall with a loud bang. She glanced around wildly, but there was no doorway in reach in this section of the hall.  _ Fuck _ .  _ Shit _ .  _ Damn _ . Her eyes snapped to where Salter stood, hair turned paler by the hallway lights, cold yellow eyes examining Jalter. She looked, damn her, completely composed, and the sigh made Jalter’s cheeks  _ burn _ . “YOU! Ice Bitch Queen! WHAT THE  _ FUCK  _ ARE YOU THINKING?!”

Salter tilted her head the slightest bit, then looked up at the mistletoe. “I am Santa.” She mused. Her gaze snapped back to Jalter, and she smiled that small smile again. “Therefore I am bound by the laws of Christmas.”

Jalter froze.  _ “WHAT?!” _ It broke from her lips, a cry of disbelief. She  _ hadn’t  _ just heard what she thought she had heard. She  _ hadn’t  _ just heard Salter agreeing to this hairbrained scheme.

“You heard me, Jalter.” And Jalter flushed harder. Salter almost  _ never  _ said her name, and Jalter . . . hated the way she said it. Absolutely fucking  _ hated  _ it. “I said, as Santa, it is my duty to uphold the laws of Christmas.” She began to walk forwards, and Jalter was trapped, legs locked, unable to do anything but watch her approach. Above her, the mistletoe trailed, but Jalter had ceased to care about that. All that mattered was Salter was walking towards her, and she had said her name. “Don’t tell me you’re scared, Jalter.”

Jalter managed to push herself off the wall, her blood boiling. “Why you little - do you think I would be scared of  _ you _ , Salter?” She glared down at the smaller woman, “ _ Please _ , give me some credit.”

Salter did that small smile thing again. “So prove me wrong.”

Jalter growled,  _ hating  _ the way her cheeks burned,  _ hating  _ the way she almost swayed closer,  _ hating _ ,  _ hating _ ,  _ hating _ . She was an  _ Avenger _ , rage was all she should know. Whatever this was could  _ not  _ possibly be healthy. “AND  _ WHY  _ SHOULD I DO THAT? WHO  _ FUCKING  _ CARES? IT’S JUST SOME  _ STUPID  _ TRADMPH!!!!”

Jalter.ex has stopped working.

Rebooting in three . . . two . . . one.

Salter’s lips were cold and smooth, insistent and pressing and Jalter couldn’t stop herself from leaning into the touch. She felt . . .  _ alive _ , each nerve on fire, her heart beating too fast in her ears.  _ Wrong _ . She was an Avenger.  _ What  _ was this,  _ where  _ was her anger,  _ where  _ had it all gone,  _ what  _ was going on? Then Salter stepped back, and Jalter stumbled forwards unsteadily, blinking rapidly as reality returned. Salter smirked, reaching out to tuck a lock of hair behind Jalter’s ear, her fingers cold against Jalter’s skin. “It seems that a kiss is all that is required to shut you up. I will have to remember that for the future, Jalter.” Then she was gone, striding away, pushing past Amakusa and Martha.

Jalter was left  _ adrift _ , gasping for breath in the hallway. Seconds ticked by, three, four, five, then she snapped back into what was familiar.  _ Rage _ . “You all,” she breathed, her voice too quiet when it should have been explosive, “have three seconds to run. Then I will burn you all to ash.” 

They didn’t test her. They scattered, fast as only Servants could move. Jalter pressed her fingertips against her lips. She could still feel Salter’s lingering touch. She should have . . . should have what? Shit.  _ “SHIT!!!!” _ The word reverberated off the walls, and Jalter jolted into action. She had people to hunt down and revenge to dish out. 

She could think on whatever-that-had-been later. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
